Work through a self-help guide that uses cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) to improve self-esteem.
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This self-help guide is intended for people with mild-to-moderate mental health issues.
If you're feeling distressed, in a state of despair, suicidal or in need of emotional support you can phone NHS 24 on 111.
For an emergency ambulance phone 999.
This guide aims to help you:
This guide is based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT). CBT helps you to examine how you think about your life, and challenge negative automatic thoughts to free yourself from unhelpful thought and behaviour patterns.
Working through this guide can take around 30 to 40 minutes, but you should feel free to work at your own pace.
Work through the guide on your device, using the “Next” button to move forward and use the “Previous” button instead of the Back button in your browser. To type in a graphic or diary, click or tap the part you’d like to fill in and use your keyboard as usual.
If you’d like to save the guide and return to it later, you’ll need to save it as a PDF on your device before you leave the page. You can then continue filling it out on the PDF. We don’t use a login feature on our mental health self-help guides for privacy reasons.
If you’d like to print the guide at any time, you’ll find an option to save and print the whole guide, including the parts you have added, in each section.
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Self-esteem relates to how we think and feel about ourselves, and how much value you think you have as a person. Your self-esteem can affect how you view achievements and setbacks, so if you have low self-esteem, for example, you’re likely to focus more on your setbacks than your successes. People with low self-esteem often ignore their own achievements and positive things about themselves, and criticise themselves even when there’s no reason to.
For some people, self-esteem can vary in different situations. Everyone has different characteristics – things that determine how we view ourselves. How you feel about one characteristic can be very different to how you feel about another. For example, you might like your sense of humour, but dislike how you respond to a crisis.
It’s possible for your level of self-esteem to change between different parts of your life. For example, you might have low self-esteem when it comes to work, but feel more positive about the way you handle family relationships and responsibilities.
However, it’s not uncommon to have low (or high) self-esteem about every part of your life or all of your characteristics.
Low self-esteem isn’t a medical condition or mental illness on its own, although you can experience low self-esteem as a result of mental health issues.
Visit the other mental health self-help guides on NHS inform for help with a range of mental health issues.
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The world continually sends messages telling you how to feel and think about yourself.
Self esteem is affected by ‘implicit’ and ‘explicit’ messaging.
The people around you, like parents, teachers, friends and colleagues will tell you things that affect your self-esteem either positively or negatively. At the same time, influences like social media and TV will give other messages about what is ‘good’ and ‘bad’ that can affect how you feel about yourself.
‘Implicit’ means something isn’t directly being said to you – its meaning is something you interpret yourself. It’s very common for people to interpret implicit messages in different ways – for some people it can be more positive, for others more negative. For example, if someone is posting on social media about being in the gym, you might get the implicit message that you’re lazy because you’re not in the gym.
‘Explicit’ messaging is direct – it’s what someone says to you. So if a teacher calls you stupid for doing poorly on a test, you will get the explicit message that you’re stupid (even when you clearly aren’t).
There are a lot of potential causes for low self-esteem. These can happen in childhood or later in life.
Here are some examples of events and situations which can cause low self-esteem. Do any of these sound like things that have affected the way you feel about yourself?
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As well as affecting how you feel, low self-esteem can affect how you think about yourself and how you live your day-to-day life.
Here are some ways low self-esteem can affect different parts of your life. These might not all apply to you, but think about the ones that do.
If you have low self-esteem, your negative thoughts could have a big impact on how you behave. Here are some examples of things you might do:
Low self-esteem can have an effect on your emotions – not just how you feel about yourself, but how you feel about the world in general. Here are some examples of emotions you might have:
Having low self-esteem can affect how your body moves and feels. Here are some examples of the physical impact of low self-esteem:
Low self-esteem can have an impact on how you think. If you have developed any of these thought patterns, they could be making your self-esteem worse. There is more information on negative thoughts later on in this guide.
Here are some examples of how low self-esteem can affect your thoughts:
People with low self-esteem tend to remember the negative implicit and explicit messages, and how they made them feel, more clearly because it’s difficult for them to remember positive messages. This is particularly true for people who have been treated poorly in childhood. If you’ve heard a lot of messages saying bad things about you, and very few positive messages, it’s hard to interpret the positive messages as true and important.
If you have low self-esteem you can develop a very firm idea of who you are – you might have learned at a young age to think of yourself as ugly or lazy, for example, and changing that idea is very difficult. So when you hear a message that strengthens the negative self-image you have, it stays with you for longer and has more of an impact than a positive message would.
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There’s a term in psychology called ‘attribution error’. This means if something goes wrong, and that makes you think negatively about yourself, you think the negative thought is true about lots of things in your life, and it’s going to be true forever.
For example, if your boss calls you stupid for making a mistake, you think “I’m a stupid person, and everyone will always think I’m stupid.” While someone with higher self-esteem might think, “that was a stupid mistake, but normally I’m good at my job, and my boss likes to bully people so I shouldn’t take it personally.”
Internal means you interpret an event or criticism as being about yourself and the things that make you ‘you’, even if it’s more to do with an external event – meaning something that’s nothing to do with you.
Thinking you’re stupid would mean that you’re blaming only your own abilities, while considering how hard the exam was would mean you’re able to see other reasons things didn’t go well. If you’re able to look at other reasons, you’re less likely to put yourself down.
Permanent means you see a setback or criticism as something that will always be true about you, no matter what happens in your life.
Thinking that you’re always lazy, even if you normally work out regularly, suggests you have low self-esteem because you’re ignoring the fact you normally exercise. If you’re able to think about how the cold is affecting your ability to do your normal routine at the moment, you can consider how events outside of your control affect your decisions sometimes. This makes it easier for you to avoid judging yourself negatively.
People have many different parts to their personalities, and usually a number of different responsibilities. It’s normal to be better at some things than others, and have good days and bad days even with things you’re really good at. When you have low self-esteem, it’s common to think negative events and criticism apply to every part of your life, instead of only one small part of who you are.
If you’re able to think of yourself as a person with a number of different skills and parts to your personality, some stronger than others, your self-esteem is less likely to be affected by problems with one area.
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In this activity, you should write details about a situation and the thoughts that you had. Later on, you can try to change this type of attribution error to something more helpful.
First, write about the situation and the negative thoughts.
Now you’ve written out the answers based on attribution error, the next step is working to see the situation without it.
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Instead of believing the negative thoughts you have about yourself reflect internal, permanent, and global characteristics of yourself, you can modify the attribution error you’re experiencing. The goal is to try and think of how these issues are external, temporary, and specific.
For example, if your boss calls you stupid for making a mistake, you can think: “my boss being a bully isn’t my fault, I don’t usually make mistakes, and I’m not stupid – this was just one mistake that I made once. It doesn’t define me as a person.”
Thinking about negative things as external means you recognise there are factors outwith your control that can have an impact on a situation, so if something goes wrong it’s not your fault.
Thinking you’re unreliable would mean you’re only blaming yourself as a person for being late, while considering how bad the traffic was would mean you’re able to see reasons external to you for things not going as planned.
Thinking about negative things as temporary means recognising that negative things, such as lateness, may not be true or relevant all the time, or forever.
Thinking that you’re always late ignores all the times that you haven’t been late, and all the times you’ll be punctual in the future.
Thinking about negative things as being caused by specific circumstances helps you to understand that they don’t reflect everything about you or your life. Instead, the negative thing only applies to one particular situation.
Thinking that you’re unreliable ignores all the evidence you have that you can be reliable.
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In this activity, you should write about the thoughts that you had, and try to change the attribution error to something positive.
Write about the same situation as you did in the last section, but this time write about how the situation is external, temporary, and specific.
Keep doing this every time you find yourself thinking incorrectly about a situation and thinking it means bad things about who you are.
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Attribution error also works when things go well – people with low self-esteem often think their achievements are down to external, temporary, or specific factors. This means you might feel as though positive things you do aren’t reflections of you as a person or your qualities.
To work against this type of attribution error, you need to look at achievements and do the opposite of what you did for setbacks in the previous section. This will allow you to see the positive things about yourself more clearly, and recognise when you’ve achieved something and you should be proud.
Don’t be afraid to say positive things about yourself. Remember, it’s not boasting if it’s true.
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Use the boxes below to write about a time when things have gone well.
Write about how attribution error left you thinking your achievement was external, temporary, and specific instead of internal, permanent, and global.
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In this activity, you should write about the thoughts that you had, and try to change the attribution error to something positive.
Write about the same situation as you did in the last section, but this time write about how the situation is internal, permanent, and global.
Try to do this every time something goes well in your life, until it’s easier for you to recognise your own achievements and good qualities.
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Negative automatic thoughts are unhelpful thoughts that pop into your mind, without you making any effort to think of them. They’re believable and usually upsetting – this can affect your mood and what you do. You might have unhelpful thoughts about all kinds of things.
It’s important to remember that a thought isn’t necessarily a fact, or based on reality. You might believe the negative unhelpful thoughts that pop into your mind, but it’s actually important to question them. They can be based on unhelpful assumptions.
If you're experiencing a lot of negative automatic thoughts about yourself, it could be helpful to work through the Depression self-help guide.
Beginning to recognise certain patterns of thinking that are common in people with low self-esteem is an important first step in feeling better. People with low self-esteem often accept negative thoughts about themselves as facts, when actually they’re just judgements that are affected by how they feel.
People often see things as black or white when they have low self-esteem – there’s no ‘in between’.
For example:
Based on one isolated incident, people with this thinking pattern assume all future events will follow a similar pattern. It becomes hard to see a negative event as a one off.
For example:
Often people with low self-esteem can ignore the positive aspects of life or situations, and instead focus on the negative.
For example:
This means treating emotions as if they’re facts.
For example:
People with low self-esteem often live by fixed rules for themselves about what they “should” do and how they “should” feel, and judge themselves harshly if they don’t meet them.
For example:
When people think like this, they’re being critical of themselves, which brings their mood down.
If you find yourself thinking this way, it can help a lot to accept that things and people aren’t always perfect, and they don’t have to be for you to be happy.
People with low self-esteem often assume they know what others are thinking, and the assumptions are usually negative.
For example:
Jumping to conclusions can also make you feel like you know the future, and that it will be bad.
For example:
People who have low self-esteem often label themselves in negative ways.
For example:
People who think this way believe that everything is to do with them, and it’s usually negative – they place blame on themselves for no logical reason.
For example:
It’s important to remember that anyone can experience thoughts like this, and that patterns of unhelpful thinking can be managed so they don’t bother you as much, or at all.
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Once you have recognised an unhelpful thought about yourself, the next stage is to challenge it.
The example below outlines the cycle of negative thoughts and feelings. It shows how a situation, combined with negative feelings, can create a cycle with unhelpful thoughts. When you have an unhelpful thought, it makes you feel upset and bad about yourself, which creates more negative feelings. It also works the other way around – negative feelings make it more likely you’ll have unhelpful thoughts, which create more negative feelings.
In the next section, you can fill out an example of this cycle from your own life.
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Use the boxes below to write about a time when you had an unhelpful thought. This will help you to understand and remember how the cycle of negative thoughts and feelings works.
The next time you’re experiencing unhelpful thoughts about yourself, it will be easier to remember what is happening and challenge the negative thought.
The text you enter will be saved as long as you’re using the guide, but it won’t be sent anywhere.
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People with low self-esteem often carry around a ‘critic’ in their heads – like an unpleasant voice repeating negative thoughts and ideas. Part of increasing your self-esteem is learning to challenge and silence that critic, and replace their voice with positive and encouraging thoughts.
Here’s an exercise that will help with this.
Part of challenging the critic is understanding that nobody is perfect – we’re only human. That means that even if you make a mistake, there’s no reason to be harder on yourself than you would be on a friend or family member.
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Having compassion means understanding someone is having a difficult time, making an effort to understand how they feel, and treating them with kindness.
Being kind to yourself is important for improving self-esteem. If you start to think about how you talk to yourself, it can help you recognise when you’re being unfair or unkind to yourself.
People with low self-esteem often struggle to have compassion for themselves – they find it easier to have compassion for other people. This means that when things go wrong, people with low self-esteem tend to punish themselves, instead of treating themselves with kindness and acknowledging that it’s okay to be upset.
Being kind to yourself isn’t the same as being self-indulgent, ‘letting yourself off the hook’, or ‘spoiling’ yourself. It isn’t lazy to need a break, and it isn’t healthy to be unkind to yourself or ignore your own mental or physical needs.
It’s important to take time out for ‘self-care’. This means focusing on yourself and your own happiness for a little while, and doing things that make you feel good. Self-care could mean treating yourself to an activity or food you like, or just setting aside time to relax. For example, you could go for a walk, take a hot bath, or just settle in and watch your favourite film.
Use the list below to write down one thing every day for a week that you can do to make yourself feel good, and help you value yourself more.
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As well as understanding that we all have weaknesses, it’s important to understand that you have your own unique strengths. This will help you challenge the negative thoughts that come with low self-esteem.
Here’s an exercise that will help with this.
Over time, it’ll become easier for you to replace negative thoughts with positive ones, and build better self-esteem.
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Once you’ve started challenging the negative thoughts you have about yourself, it’s important to keep going and ensure you continue to value yourself in the long term.
Looking after your mind often looks a lot like looking after your body – if you develop some healthy habits, you’ll notice your self-esteem grows.
These tips will help you to keep building your self-esteem and feel more confident.
Try to:
Exercise regularly – physical activity improves mental wellbeing and can help you feel better about yourself, even if you’re not trying to lose weight
Try not to:
Turn exercise into a punishment – there’s no need to be hard on yourself if you can’t be active as often as you’d like. Even a small amount of physical activity a few times a week can make a big difference.
Try to:
Eat as healthily as you can – if you’re not confident about cooking, try practising some simple recipes for foods you enjoy until you get them right.
Try not to:
Be afraid to treat yourself every now and then, as long as your diet’s healthy overall. You can find more information on eating well here.
Try to:
Work on healthy ways of dealing with difficult feelings and thoughts – keep practising the exercises from this guide, especially on days when you feel particularly low.
Try not to:
Use drugs or alcohol as a way of coping with difficult feelings. They might make you feel better in the short term, but long-term health issues, including addiction, are a risk, and this can undermine your self-esteem even more.
Try to:
Build up a network of friends and family members that you enjoy spending time with, and who make you feel supported.
Try not to:
Feel like you have to say “yes” to every invitation or request from a friend or family member – it’s important to make time just to relax by yourself or with loved ones.
Try to:
Make time for health-related self-care like doctor’s appointments, dental check-ups, and taking prescribed medications.
Try not to:
Feel like you have to ‘suffer in silence’ or be strong for other people in your life. You and your health are important.
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Low self-esteem can make it hard for you to tell people what you want and need. It can also make it very hard to say no when you don’t want to do something, leaving you feeling guilty and unhappy.
Follow these tips to help you become more assertive and confident about communicating:
Try not to say:
“Yes, that’s fine, I think I can manage that.”
Try to say:
“No, I won’t be able to do that.”
Try not to say:
Nothing.
Try to say:
“It would be really helpful if you could put the kids to bed tonight, I’ve had a tiring day.”
Try not to say:
“This room is looking a bit messy, isn’t it? I can’t find my shoes anywhere.”
Try to say:
“Can you please tidy up your things? The living room’s messy and I can’t find my shoes.”
Try not to say:
“I’m really sorry but I need to take Wednesday off of work, is that okay? If not I can make other arrangements.”
Try to say:
“I need to take Wednesday off of work, is that something we can arrange?”
Try not to say:
“I’m really sorry but I think I need some help in the kitchen, if you’re not too busy, would that be okay?”
Try to say:
“Could you come and help wash the dishes please?”
Try not to say:
“No! I don’t want to do that! Why would you ask me to do that?”
Try to say:
“I’d prefer not to do that.”
Try not to say:
“I’m so sorry, but could you maybe let me know if you need to park in front of my driveway? It’s just that I was late for work yesterday, but I don’t mind if you really have to park there.”
Try to say:
“I’d prefer it if you didn’t park in front of my driveway, you’ve been blocking my car in and it’s making me late for work.”
The more practice you get at being assertive, the easier it will be and the more your self-esteem will grow. In time, you’ll find it much easier to assert yourself and your needs.
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This self-help guide is intended for people with mild-to-moderate mental health issues.
If you're feeling distressed, in a state of despair, suicidal or in need of emotional support you can phone NHS 24 on 111.
For an emergency ambulance phone 999.
Keep using the techniques you found helpful from this guide – they should continue to benefit you. If there are some things that you didn’t find helpful to begin with, stick with them for a few weeks – CBT can take a little time to work.
If you’re feeling distressed, in a state of despair, suicidal or in need of emotional 35 support you can phone NHS 24 on 111. For an emergency ambulance phone 999
If you feel you need more help with your mental health, try speaking to your GP, or search for mental health and wellbeing services in your area.
For information and advice when you’re feeling down, you can phone Breathing Space on 0800 83 85 87.
The Breathing Space phoneline is available:
If you found this guide helpful and would like to do more work like this, Living Life offers a range of structured psychological interventions and therapies to improve mental health and wellbeing. This service is appointment-based and specifically for low mood, or mild/moderate depression or anxiety. Living Life are open Monday to Friday, from 1pm to 9pm, and you can phone them on 0800 328 9655 for an assessment appointment.
Here are some other resources for building self-esteem that you may find helpful.
Visit the other mental health self-help guides on NHS inform
Last updated:
27 May 2021